Chapter 74: I want to give you pleasure (2)

I tapped myself on the side of my head again,

“But I don't know them.” I thumped my chest.

“That is why you terrify me madam. Not because of who you are or what you are.” I found myself laughing a little as I turned back to her. Now she looked truly afraid I thought. “although I admit that that is partly what's going on. But because of what you represent in my instinctual self.”

I turned away again.

“You are too beautiful, too intelligent too.....too....Flame curse me for a fool. Too EVERYTHING for me to accept that you might.....” I gritted my teeth. I was shaking with emotion again as I tried to force the words out and I tried for a moment to identify it. I had to mop my brow of the sweat that had formed there. If Ariadne had put her arms round me then I would have burst into tears. “I do not deserve you Madame. Or if I deserve you then surely there must be some catch. Some...trick or some kind of hidden damnation.... that you might be the path towards....”

I laughed again and I heard the hysteria in my own voice. I could see that that knight Errant was coming back.

“I once had a nanny who looked out over a beautiful sunny day from the castle window. She was watching me while I was learning my letters. I remember it distinctly, she looked out over the beautiful countryside and she said, “Oh, we're going to pay for this later.” What she meant was that there would soon be rainy skies and storm clouds. I laughed when I realised what she was saying but that's exactly how I feel.”

“May I speak?” Ariadne said quietly. “It is the height of arrogance.” She said gently. “The very height of arrogance to decide for another person what is deserved and what is not.”

“I know.” I said. “And I'm sorry. But that's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying that you deserve better than me. I'm saying that I fear how good you are. How wonderful you are and how lucky I am that you tumbled into my life. I find myself looking for the catch, for the price tag.”

I was astonished. I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

“You know what though.” I said. I could see a way out now. There was light at the end of the tunnel and I decided to go for it. “You were right. I am angry.” I tried to make my voice sound comedicly harsh and cross.

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“But you were wrong. I'm not angry because you took the initiative and took the matter of our betrothal out of my hands.”

I reached into my pocket and produced the other thing that the dwarf had been working on for me.

“But I'm angry because you kind of stole my thunder.”

I opened the box.

Just a small box. Made from wood. It was even quite plain really.

But it had a huge impact on Ariadne and not the response that I had expected.

She gave a sound that was somewhere between a groan and some kind of animalistic grunt. Just for a moment, she showed the fact that she wasn't human. She leapt backwards out of the bench and over the back of it. I've used the term before but it was exactly like she was some kind of frightened wild animal. Wide eyed, shaking and terrified. I heard her dress tear as she leapt in directions that it wasn't supposed to go.

She hid behind a bush. Her eyes peeking out from behind it in exactly the way that cartoon animals do in this magazine.

I had fallen to my knees in what I understand is the traditional pose in these circumstances as I held out the engagement ring.

A circular diamond with two rubies on either side of it set in a twisted pattern of yellow gold in a design that made me think of elves even though, as far as I know, it was made by a gnome.

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I waited patiently.

It was exactly like, exactly like trying to coax a wild animal into taking a treat from your hands.

Slowly, Ariadne edged out from behind the bush and came closer to it. She seemed as though she wanted to hide her face from me.

She didn't look pleased. She looked horrified. Horrified and scared.

“Is everything alright mada...”

“GET FUCKED, SIR KNIGHT,” I heard myself snarl.

“Now listen here ruffian. I am Sir...”

“Be Gone,” Ariadne's words had a power that ran down my spine into the part that just told my legs to start walking. I resisted it but I wasn't the person that the words of command were aimed at. The clanking of the man's armour was audible for some time.

Ariadne was crouched behind the bench now. Closer but still out of reach.

“It's ok.” I said shuffling forward a little. “It's ok.”

She shuffled a little further out.

“Is that?” She couldn't seem to manage any more.

“Yes it's for you.”

She reached out for the box as though terrified that it might bite her.

I had to go the rest of the way and gently placed the box between her fingers.

She looked up at me. Her eyes still wide with terror.

“I thought you were going to break my heart,” she wailed.

My own heart broke then. I edged forwards and slowly and tentatively I put my own arms around her.

Holy fire but it felt good.

I don't know how long we sat there. I cradled her as she sat looking at the ring.

“Would you like to try it on?” I tried after a while.

“Can I?” She asked with a little laugh. “It honestly hadn't occurred to me.”

I laughed with her and I helped her up onto the bench. Taking the box off her again I knelt before her and offered up the ring box.

“Madame La Comtesse Ariadne of Angraal. Would you do the honour of being my wife?”

She looked as though she couldn't speak but she held her trembling hand out. It was trembling so hard that I had to hold it steady to put the ring on it.

I had so worried if it would fit. In the end it turned out to be a little loose.

“Don't worry about it,” she said as she saw my disappointment. “I love it.” She held up her hand so that the gems sparkled in the sunlight.

“Ariadne listen.” She took a while to subside. “Seriously now.” I said. “All of the things that I said are still true. I am terrified and I can't see a cure for that other than time. I am pretty sure that I love you but it's still going to take time for my body and things to get that through to them.”

“I understand Frederick. I understand. We can take it slow.”

I nodded.

We were sat on the bench next to each other and I was suddenly aware that the insanely beautiful woman sat next to me had just agreed to marry me.

My head swam.

“Have you eaten yet today?” Ariadne chided gently.

“I can't remember.” I said after a while. “What day is it?”

“Your sister is expecting us for dinner and I need to change.” I nodded.

Ariadne changed into a deep green dress of similar cut with the same yellow sash and asked a servant to take the blue one down to a seamstress to get it repaired. We made it to a more private area of the castle. This was the bit that seemed to be working. Lots of people running around carrying bundles of paper. Guards clanking about and so on. Ariadne led me up some stairs and out onto a balcony where a large table had been set. A servant was handing out drinks and a party of people had gathered.

I didn't get everyone at once but I saw that Emma, Francesca and Laurelen were all there. As was Sammy who had a bandage around his head and was sweating in his armour. Brother Mark was there. Then I registered the fact that the Empress was there giggling quietly on a bench next to the edge of the balcony with Princess Dorn who was also there and I began to feel a little light headed again. Kerrass was there along with the other two Witchers. As Ariadne and I walked towards the gathering they all quietened down. The Empress clambered to her feet.

“I had to find out what the punchline was so I demanded that Francesca invite me to your little party. I trust that you don't mind Lord Frederick.”

“Of course not Your Imperial Majesty.”

“And?” She prompted.

Ariadne and I looked at each other in exactly the same way that young couples do everywhere and giggled.

“Oh For fuck's sake.” Said Sam loudly into the silence.

Ariadne held out her hand to display the ring.

I was flattered and pleased at the cheer that the assembly gave us.

I looked over at Kerrass.

“Alright” he said as he put his drink down after meeting my eyes and produced a leather bag. “Pay up.”

A chorus of groans went up as more than one person reached for their purses.

“Am I really that predictable?” I asked loudly as I walked towards him.

“It would seem not,” commented Sam as he put some coins into the bag. “He was the only one who predicted that you would have already decided to marry her.”

“Good,” I leant over to Kerrass and stage whispered. “I'll expect my cut later.”

“Yeah, that's not going to happen,” he said.

I got my first hug from Sam, “You're a lucky man Freddie,” he whispered in my ear, “and a brave one. Braver than me,”

I pulled back from him. The look on his face was...complex. I knew that he had been struggling to arrange a marriage given the new reputation of the Lords Kalayn and he looked.... There was definitely a little bit of envy there but I couldn't tell what it was.

“Your time will come Sammy.”

We hugged again and he broke off to go and talk to someone. I didn't get the chance to see who it was because Emma had forced her way to the front of the queue and threw her arms round me dramatically.

“Proud of you Freddie,”

“Really?” I asked.

She pulled back. “Are you very angry with me?”

I considered the matter. If things had turned out in any other way I might have been furious. For a moment there I was but as it turned out,

“Angry is the wrong word.” I said after a moments thought. A moment that I deliberately drew out in an effort to make her feel worse. “Cross might be closer, peeved even, put out,”

She began to smile and I could tell that she had been crying. All truth though, I couldn't stay angry with this woman for long. “Talk to Mark.” She whispered in my ear. “It needs to happen sooner or later and he needs to tell you things.”

“Sounds ominous.” I said.

“It is.” she whispered back.

Kerrass was next, he stood up from his chair and gripped my hand for a moment looking me in the eye solemnly before a huge grin plastered itself over his face and he pulled me into a hug. “Bout fucking time,” he whispered fiercely.

“Thank you Kerrass.” I whispered back. “I wouldn't have known her without you.”

“Don't lets be sentimental. We'll save that for the stag party.”

“Something to look forward to.”

We pulled apart and he introduced me to Eskel and the other Witcher who turned out to be a Feline Witcher called Gaetan. A scarred and taciturn man with a scar across his cheek. He shook my hand, told me I was a brave man and then went back to watching the Empress. He had a nervous habit of rubbing at his temples every so often.

Eskel proved himself to be a man of bone-dry humour which he employed regularly and often. He delivered more than one, straight faced insult towards Kerrass that completely went over Kerrass' head until he realised that everyone was laughing at him where he would throw things at Eskel. I had no idea if there was a difference in age but it seemed that Eskel was a kind of mentor figure towards Kerrass and, to a lesser extent, towards Gaetan. He spent as much time watching the two cat witchers as he did watching the lady he was supposed to be protecting.

I also got my first glimpse of Ariadne on the other end of the balcony where she was showing off the ring to the Empress, Emma and the rest of the ladies who were all cooing over it and trying it on. I had to keep myself from laughing as she was clearly enjoying the attention while at the same time watching all the activity with the amused eye of a scientist watching children at play while also being drawn in despite herself. She caught my eye and winked.

The Empress got taken away by a page and so she took Eskel and Gaetan with her leaving Kerrass with permission to “Go and play,” She did come over to wish me well though and say that she was glad that things had turned out to my satisfaction. She also invited me to the training yard in the morning where she was going to try out her new crossbow as it had caused a bit of a stir in certain circles.

Although she didn't tell me which circles those might be. She just grinned and told me that I would meet those same circles tomorrow. I suggested that I should bring Emma with me in case we ended up having to negotiate anything. The Empress laughed and said something like “I'm sure we can come to an arrangement.”

In the end though there was nothing I could do but face the music. I took a pair of cups and a jug of wine and went off to find Mark who was sat off to one side. On the edges of things.

“Well then Mark,” I said offering him one of the cups and filling it up high. “Is it time we talked?”

He looked up at me and smiled. He looked very tired and there was something about the way that he was smiling that sent a chill down my spine. He just seemed so sad.

“We should,” he said, gesturing me to the bench beside him and I sat.

I don't know how long we sat there but it was for several minutes as we both watched the sudden and informal party. I noticed that Emma and Francesca both checked on us multiple times and I suspect that Kerrass too knew exactly where we were. I was just pleased to see that everyone was making such a fuss over Ariadne who was practically glowing with the attention.

In the end the silence became unbearable and we both looked at each other and laughed.

“Happy for you Freddie. Happy for you.” He held out his cup and I touched mine to his in a toast.

“Thanks. Means a lot.”

We sat in silence for a bit longer but it was a much more comfortable silence.

“So Mark,” I said suddenly without really thinking about it. “People keep telling me that you have something to tell me while also, carefully avoiding the subject of what it is that you want to tell me which suggests that it might be something quite ominous.”

Mark sighed and held out his cup for more wine.

“Well, I'm dying.” he said after I had finished pouring.

“What?”

He shrugged again. “I've never felt healthier than I do right now but I'm dying.”

“Holy flame Mark what the fuck are you.... What's wrong with you?”

“Do you know that no-one can seem to tell me? The closest thing that anyone's been able to come to it is that I have a problem with my blood.”

“That's.... that's umm. What does that mean?”

“I've been demanding answers to that question for some time now.” he said. “Of all people it was your vampire lady who laid it out for me and I still don't understand it.”

An interesting thing happened when he referred to Ariadne. It was like an automatic flinch response. His face twisted in disgust but then he realised what was happening, winced and then sighed in a kind of resigned and formlessly angry way. As though he was angry about something that he couldn't do anything about.

“Try me,” I said after a while.

“Well apparently, the heart pumps blood around the body right?”

I nodded.

“The blood does this so that it can carry what the body needs around to the various places that it needs to go.”

“That's right.”

“Well, it turns out that there's some connection between this and the air which we breathe which needs to be taken around. That's the bit where they lose me.”

“It's called oxygen Mark.”

“Yes, there's the word that she used.” He sighed and drank a little more. “The oxygen needs to get to my brain but, for some reason, my brain isn't getting enough oxygen. To fix this that means that my heart is beating harder and faster to get more blood to the brain. So my heart is working harder and harder, my...I want to say loongs...”

“Lungs?”

“Yes, that's the word, are also working harder and harder and my brain is working just as hard as it already was only on less fuel. So in the end, one of those three things is just going to give out completely. Either my heart will just stop or my loongs will stop working.”

“Lungs,” I said again stupidly.

“And my brain will start to break down.”

I just stared at him. What do you say to someone who tells you that kind of thing.

“Ummm,” I managed. “I.... I'm so sorry.”

Mark nodded and took another drink. “Thanks,”

“Should you really be drinking so much?” I asked.

Mark cackled. “What's it going to do, kill me quicker?”

“Fair point, although a little harsh towards me.”

“True, sorry about that.”

“How long do you have?”

“A year, two years at the outside. Apparently the best that I can hope for is that my heart gives out first as the alternatives don't fill me with much joy. Either I drown in my own fluids or I lose my grip on reality. Something to look forward to I suppose.”

“Is there.... Flame but you must have looked. So I'm sorry but I need to ask the question. Is there anything that can be done?”

“No. Well, kind of, but not really. According to your Lady, who knows more about blood than anyone else I've talked to, the blood system is irreparably damaged so what would need to be done would be some kind of magical process where all of my blood gets....” he frowned in concentration before giving up. “Filled with the stuff that we breathe so that it can get to my brain better. Unfortunately that would need to be done on a regular basis. She told me that it could be done but it would involve an uncomfortable procedure to be done around every other day that would take a couple of unpleasant hours of magical care. The best that I could hope for is that it doubles my current life expectancy though. Four years instead of two.”

“Why not a permanent fix?”

“Because of the damage to my lungs and heart. My lungs are filling with fluid because the blood is trying to get to the air so hard that it seeps into my lungs. That is already done. But the other thing is that my heart is enlarged.”

“Oh of course. The hearts a muscle.”

“Precisely. I've been working it so hard that it's grown in size. If I stop it having to work so hard it might just decide to give up. But likewise it can only keep working at it's current level for so long.”

“I see.”

“So I'm dead if I do and dead if I don't. Heh, I spoke to a friend of mine that suggested that I've moved on to the acceptance side of grief. The procedure that..... That Ariadne described is uncomfortable and would need to start to be done now. I can't face that on a daily basis Freddie, knowing that it only buys me a bit of extra time.”

“But can't she, or can't Laurelen for that matter, just magic it better. That's how magic works right.”

“Yes they could. But they don't know what caused it. They could fix my heart, clear my brain and clean out my lungs but if they don't know what the problem is? Laurelen and Ariadne both told me that if they had looked at me earlier, even a year earlier they might have been better able to identify the problem and sort it out but now, there are too many potential causes.”

“So what's going to happen?”

“Over the next year or so, if I'm careful and don't over tax myself physically then I can expect to be healthy enough to carry on working. Which I intend to do Freddie so don't try and talk me out of it. The church hierarchy is aware of my condition and they want to get as much work out of me as they can. I am to receive a personal physician who is to be chosen by your friend, the red-haired medic.”

“Shani,”

“Yes, who is going to monitor my health. That person will declare that it is time for me to retire. But it will be set at a maximum of a year. There upon I shall be promoted to the rank of Cardinal and shall retire to our estates which will be a relatively short carriage ride to Novigrad should the holy father have need of me. But it also means that I will be available to teach and pass on what I've learned and hopefully, in my own way, help shape the future of the church of the holy fire.”

I nodded as I listened.

“I'm told that my brain will start to give out after that but I shall work and be useful as long as I can.”

“How long have you known?”

“A year,” He looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

“A year?”

“Yes, actually more than that. I noticed that I was wheezing last winter. The one before this one just gone.”

“So you knew before father died.”

Mark sighed.

“Yes.”

“Why didn't you tell us then? We could have done something we could have...”

“Saved me?” Mark laughed harshly. “Yes. That's the irony. Yes you could. If I had waited or if I'd let Laurelen have a look at me then when I found out who she was, I might have averted this whole thing but at the time I had my head jammed so far up my arse that I could smell the incense. I was praying Freddie. Praying so hard.”

He sobbed. It seemed so out of the blue. I've got no way of telling you or proving to you that it was out of character but I was stunned.

“Oh flame Mark I'm so sorry.”

“You know I've told so many people about this now...You'd think it would get easier.”

“I know Mark, I know.”

Of course I didn't fucking know. How could I? But the things we say to each other in moments of grief. Dear reader, if you want to become famous or if you want to become “known” in Oxenfurt. Then the first thing you should do is write a bloody good book with loads of sex and violence in it. If that isn't your thing, then right a book on the things that we say in moments of high emotion. I present to you this chapter as an example of stupid crap that people say.

“Here is my confession Freddie. I've read your account of what happened at home when father died and I am sorry for the part that I played. So here is my confession to you, such that it is. I wanted to take our family fortune and I wanted to donate it to the church. I knew I was dying and I thought. I honestly thought that if I prayed that little bit harder. If I, If I did some more good works then I would be cured. The the holy flame would burn away my sickness. That was why I was so angry when Father made Emma the custodian of it all. I was so very angry because that was what I was going to do. Give it all up. All of it. Every last penny.”

I said nothing.

“It was ridiculous of course and I even knew that it was ridiculous but at the same time.... I was so angry. But Father had seen right through me. He had known that that was what I wanted. Nothing was ever good enough for him was it. You know that as much as I do. No matter how high I climbed in the ranks of the church I could never please him.

“So I gave up trying and tried to please the church instead. Because there's an institution that values good deeds over political clout. ”

The bitterness in him was awful.

“Then I stormed back to Tretogor in a huff. I got home, to my palace and threw myself into my work. I worked so hard but then I collapsed at a prayer meeting. A doctor was sent for who wasn't my private physician, then the church knew and my secret was out. No longer a matter for just my private physician and Kerrass.”

“Kerrass knew?”

“Oh yes. He came to me the day that you finally brute forced your way into my presence and told me that I was sick and that I needed to see a Doctor. I laughed at him and told him that I was just tired and full of grief and swore him to silence. He came to me again as I packed to leave after the will reading and told me, rather brutally to “Sort myself the fuck out” and get some help. He told me that one of the finest medical schools was in nearby Oxenfurt and that there was a Sorceress in the castle. He even said that there was soon going to be a vampire in the family and that she would know more than the lot of us combined. I laughed at him as I remember.

“But anyway. I collapsed A Cardinal came. I know now that I was never going to be a Cardinal as I was simply not ready for it. He came and sat in my office and he heard my confession. I'll never forget it. We sat there and I yelled and I shouted and I exorcised my anger at him. Poor man. I'll never forget his words to me.

“You remind me of the man in the flood.” He said to me.”

“The man in the flood?” I asked.

“Yes, It's an old story meant to tell people to stop waiting around for some kind of magical interference to sort out all your problems. The story goes that a man is a farmer on the plain near a river. A Huge storm hits the local area and people go to him and say “The river is going to flood, bring all your belongings, we're heading to high ground.” But the man says “No, I believe in the eternal fire and the eternal fire will protect me.” A little while later as the man's fields begin to flood his wife takes the children and flees, begging the man to go with her to higher ground and the man says “No, I believe in the eternal fire and the eternal fire will protect me.” The flood waters rise even higher and the man climbs onto the roof. Some brave locals get out a boat and go to the man to try and rescue him. But again he says “No, I believe in the eternal fire and the eternal fire will protect me.” In the end the water washes the man's house away and he dies.

“So the man goes to the afterlife where he is met by St Lebioda. The saint looks at the man and the man says. “Saint Lebioda. I am a good man, I looked after my family. I went to church, made the offerings and always did my best to be a good man. Why did the eternal fire let me drown?”

“The saint says, “The eternal fire sent the villagers to warn you, gave you a wife with the wisdom to lead her children away and sent a boat to carry you to safety. The eternal fire sent you all of these things so what the fuck are you doing here?””

My brother was silent for a while staring into the middle distance a bit.

“The Cardinal told me that the Holy Flame had sent me a Doctors warning, a Witcher and a Sorceress. Hell even a Vampiric Sorceress. So what was I complaining about?

“He was right of course.

“So publish that Freddie, write that up in your journal so that everyone can read it. I'm an Arch-bishop and a Cardinal elect of the Church of the Holy Fire. I will be one of the people who helps to elect the next Hierophant. But even someone like me, is still guilty of foolish, catastrophic and stupid pride. Oh, also that I say that I am still learning new things every day. Will you publish that?”

“I will Mark,” I said. “I promise.”

We sat there for a moment before Mark wiped his eyes and started to laugh. “You know I came here to congratulate you on your pending marriage.”

I laughed with him. “Are you sure Mark. I don't want you to hate her.”

“I don't hate her. I struggle sometimes with learned behaviours but I think that your sister is right. She will be good for you. But I do have a request.”

“What's that?”

“Here's a harsh truth that I don't like. On your wedding day. I don't want to be the priest.”

“What?”

“Don't misunderstand me. I'm happy for you I really am. And that's not the thing. If I am still alive when the ceremony happens then I will be there and I will cheer the loudest. Nor do I want to be your Best man. I've already talked to Sam and although he will be a bit disappointed, your best man is clearly going to be Kerrass. It needs to be Kerrass, it should be Kerrass. I would even go so far as to say that Emma would be a better best man than either of us.”

I laughed at the thought.

“I don't want to be a priest on that day Freddie. I understand that it's your day above all things and if you really want me to then I shall be the priest and I shall marry the two of you but... I don't want to be there as a priest. I want to be there as your brother. I want to stand next to you and cheer you on and make rude jokes and get drunk and throw petals and things. I want to be the man on your wedding day. Not the priest.”

I nodded.

“Well obviously, Ariadne would need to be involved in that conversation.” I said. “But I think I could see that. I know a couple of priests who might.”

“If you really want to put the cat amongst the pigeons, get Father Jerome to do it. That would really upset the church higher ups. A former torturer marrying the future Count and Countess of Angral. I can just see the steam coming out of their ears.”

“You're a bad man Mark.”

“I know. I'm enjoying myself.”

He looked up. Emma had come over and Mark rose and bowed to her. “I'll leave you two alone to talk.” He said. He winked at me as he walked off.

Emma sat down next to me.

“They're just about to get the food out and we wondered where you were. You alright?”

I laughed at her as I wiped away some tears.

“It's been a hell of a day,”

“It has at that. Come on, your betrothed was looking for you.”

I managed to climb to my feet on the second attempt.